Morning blues

Apart from my breakfast and FB, the next thing I did this morning was to update my blog.

I think I had a really emotional dream last night after chatting with mum, dad and ama on the phone in the evening. I can't exactly recall what was the dream about but all I know is that I woke up feeling not too happy and not too excited.

The first thing that popped up in my mind was my family in Penang. Everything about Penang. Not so much of the food though, but the people. My school, my family, my friends and also the Penangites in general. I miss how I feel disgusted by those ah peks puking on the street. I miss those ah bengs swearing in hokkiens. And I miss how easily it is to call my friends on their house phone and telling them off when they don't pick up the phone. Things like that....

Now, I've got to constantly remind myself that I am in Australia, not Malaysia. Having chosen my path to be here, I need to stick with it no matter what and do it proudly. But somehow, it's not that I don't want to, it's that I couldn't do it. Every single thing I do here reminds me of something or someone back home and I can feel the line from Michael Buble's Home song, 'Let me go home, I'm just too far from where you are and I just wanna come home' buzzing in my ear.

And what do I do when I get such thoughts? I start to think about my friends who are away from home even further than me, for instance, UK or US and they're just doing fine. If they can do it, why can't I?

Often, this positivity doesn't last very long and is constantly defeated by my negativity. My excuse is that we are all different. What I feel and what they feel is so different. They are tough but I am not. I'm just not them.

Having said this, it doesn't mean that I don't like it here. In fact, I do.

However, I'm just not too ready to assimilate myself into this country, which is still, very much foreign to me.